I have a rage inside me. Something I need to control, but I do not want to. I know that should I fail to control it, bad things will happen. It will be worse than how it is now. But I still want to release it. Not In the way of batting cages, or drawing, or writing, but In the way of violence. Real, painful violence. Never towards myself. Not anymore. Her is who I want to Hit. Over and over, until my Hands are bleeding, and then more. Until I Hear her stop crying for Help. And her Head hits the floor for one last time. And I know she is dead. Finally she is dead. Still, I don't stop. Again And Again I hit her for As long As I possibly can. I know That eventually I will rise, Trembling, not from realization, but from The adrenaline running Through me. The sound of sirens has always Terrified me, so I do not call the police. Not yet. Emptiness is finally upon me. Not the feeling, but the sound. It is Extremely Enjoyable. I have not had silence in this house for Eons. I take comfort in it for a few moments. Them I remember what needs to be done. Everything must be Exact. Be careful not to Hurry. No detail can afford to be overlooked. Any Hint of a struggle must be Hidden. Clean up all the blood with bleach, then cover the bleach. Think of a place to Hide the body. Drive there with the body and bike. Ditch the car with Her inside. Hopefully they never find her. Even if they do, and it comes back to me, maybe one of them will Empathize. And I can Explain to them why I did it. I probably won't be Executed. Tried as an adult, imprisoned, which is Expected. After all, my reasons will be viewed only as weak Excuses, but I don't want to die. I don't deserve it. Really, I will never follow through. I want to, but I can't. So I do what I can. Relive events that have never happened. Run through what I would do if they did. Remind myself that I am not alone, and people can help me cope. Relax, deep breaths, in and out. Remember that I need to survive.
Tags: Death, Hate, Depression, Murder, Kill, Killing, Violence, Suicide, Anger, Angry, Mad, Hatred, Hurt, Hurting, Damag